Being a parent meant I have to talk a lot. And then at night I blog. It's like I can't shut up.
During the day, I spend a lot of time giving advice, making recommendations and if that fails, shouting orders. Most of what I'm trying to teach them are simple things that help keep us safe and make the world go round, like using good manners, always holding hands crossing roads etc. Because many things which adults take as given and obvious, are not nearly so obvious to kids.
The result: there are an astonishing amount of things I need to tell my kids that I simply never thought I’d have to.
On a daily basis I am amazed at their antics. Sometimes it’s to have fun, sometimes to annoy a sibling, sometimes it is a unique and brilliant solution to a problem. I have been faced with death defying feats of bravery and breathtaking acts of stupidity.
The activities listed below are not all things my kids have done, but a lot of them are, and those that aren’t have been done by the kids of close friends or have been witnessed by me. This makes me feel certain that by the time you’ve read this, at least 200 more outrageous and unexpected acts will have been performed by small children around Australia.
1. 7:03am is not a good time to open the fridge and take out a Tim Tam and eat it. No matter how old you are or how hungry you are.
2. You may not stand on the edge of the back deck and attempt to urinate on your sister who is down in the garden below you.
3. Before going down the slide at the park you should take off your new roller skates.
4. Please don’t get dressed in your school uniform (tights and all) and then climb a tree.
5. Standing on the edge of the (full) bath and jumping is not a great way to get the flannel off the towel
6. The best place to leave a half eaten tuna nori roll is not wedged in the tiny space between two car
7. Please don’t place your hands tightly around your baby sister’s neck, even if she is being really
8. Running out of the school gate and out onto the road towards your Mum’s moving car at school drop off time is not a good idea, even if you have forgotten your lunch order.
9. When you spill milk on the floor, being discovered skating in it is not going to endear you any
further to your mother when she comes downstairs.
10. Please don’t poo on the ottoman.
11. Don’t put your sister’s Easter Eggs in a circle on the floor and jump on them one by one, even if she
did just call you a rude name.
I guess what I've learned from compiling this and from living day to day with three unpredictable little people, is that you simply cannot be prepared for everything. You can pad the corners of the coffee table and they will gash open their head on the corner of the kitchen bench. You can buy an ottoman so there is no coffee table and they will poo on it (true story). So on one hand I can relax a little because I accept it's impossible to control every part of their environment, but it also makes me a bit more wary, because when disaster does strike, it's going to come from a completely random and unexpected corner.
Of this, I can be certain.