Monday, 18 March 2013

Doing stuff vs writing stuff.

If I'm working, I feel like I should be doing housework.

If I'm doing housework, I feel like I should be doing stuff with the kids.

If I do stuff with the kids I feel worried I'm not doing any work.

The work guilt has been slightly alleviated by my starting a part time 'real' job, but I still feel guilt for not doing more of my own freelance stuff, or pushing on with some creative projects.  Or marketing myself.  Or writing more, on serious, meaningful subjects.  Doing all the stuff the blogs I subscribe to tell me I should be doing.

They're right.  I should be doing it.  But mostly I don't.

Lack of time, lack of confidence, lack of brains?  Too many excuses?

I've got a massive renovation coming up.  Writing might just have to take a back seat while I sort out where our stuff is going, where we're going, where new light switches are going, where all the money is going.

Maybe I'm just too busy.  I feel like I'm always doing running around like a demented rodent.  There's always several other tasks needing to be done on top of the one I'm doing now.  (As I write, there's a load of clean washing in the machine that's been there since last night- methinks there's a rewash in my future).  It's very easy not to write anything at all and instead spend my time doing other stuff, like helping with homework, watching soccer training, buying birthday presents and all the random bits and pieces that make up our life.

In fact, I am a pro at not writing.  It's a bit like painting, where you spend hours cleaning the walls, prepping the surfaces, and applying undercoat, before you can finally start on your chosen colour.

Incidentally, the one and only time Mike and I painted anything (the large, new main room of our first house in Balmain), I cried as the first coat of paint went on.  I hated it the colour.  

I guess I'm scared I'll hate what I write.  If it's just my own stuff, and not that which has been commissioned or requested by a client.

But I got used to the paint at Balmain, and maybe I can get used to my own writing too.

If I'm not hanging out here as much, it might be because I'm writing something...else.